Library Monitor's Report (2)

I am proud to announce that, due to my relentless efforts, 100% of library books are on loan.  We should think of getting another one (book, not library). Potential donors can be assured that they will receive a lovely letter like this:

Grimshaw’s Academy  River Bank  Wentworth-on-Darling  Australia  The World

Miss Honey Parsons

3 Purdey (yuk) Lane

Darien, CT

USA

Dear Miss Honey Parsons

As Head Perfect of Grimshaw’s Academy for Young Ladies of Good Breeds, it is my pleasure to thank you for your generous donation to our library of ‘The Book for Dangerous Dogs’ by Rex and Sparky.  Rolling in duck poo would give me more pleasure, but duty must.

Miss Grimshaw has given Readings from The Good Book at Assembelly (of which we’ve had a few recently).  Many tears have rolled as The Gels realize their good fortune to attend Grimshaw’s while others eke out an education with an Owner (a concept explained to us by Grimshaw) and Indoor Environment.  Of course, some lucky devils go to Hogwarts.

However we ourselves have been glad of indoor assembellies recently – respite from the midday sun if not English persons.  Fortunately we have Sam The Useful to take us for swimming, water studies and aqua ecology, definitely the best subjects offered at Grimshaw’s.

Little Dr (awarded precociously) Siss and I have contemplated complementing the Dangerous tome with Australian input, but it’s too hot.  It has been suggested that Rex and Sparky are our noms de plume, but that is nonsense.

Admittedly chapters on ‘Easter Burgling’ and ‘SEM Boy Trouser Destruction’ by Sammy Brown, ‘Bandicoot Slaughter’ ‘Swimming Naked In The Bay’ and ‘Sausage Rolls by Stealth’ by Dr Hoover Hatbox, and ‘Puddle Wallowing in Tasmania’ ‘Chocolate Birthday Cake Modification’ and ‘The Cat’s Food 2 Doors Down’ by Emma L.A.T.S.F-D Mars would round out the volume.  Articles by lesser known writers could include ‘Using 2 Corgis to Keep Children Off a Slide in Wales’ by Shoni and Sian, ‘Nearly Dying of Thirst Outside a Suburban Milk Bar:  a proven technique to get adolescent girls to spend their pocket money on chocolate milk’ by Donovan D Dog, ‘Eating Perilously in Newcastle’ by Ish, and ‘Climbing Ornamental Trees to Good Effect in an Adelaide Garden’ by Angel.  Actually Emma and I could publish our joint thesis ‘Nearly Drowning as a Puppy:  a strategy to totally control Grimshaw’, but I’d better keep a cuppla things up my sleeve.  I don’t want young poodles with ridiculous names like Gloria slithering down the rainbow full of tricks and Good Ideas.

Have I mentioned it’s hot?  I have been ogling your snow-cave.  You are very lucky to have so many people to boss about. I would like to suggest that you get Oscar and Remi to teach you the stirring Grimshaw Academy anthem and sing it at the top of your voices for hours.  Your father will love it.

Yours in sniggering

Rosie Burglar Gladstone-Bag

Head Prefect

Grimshaw’s Academy

The aforesaid mentioned tome is currently on loan to Rufus de Poodle who writes

Rufus writes quite well for one so recently down the rainbow.  Sissy wants me to tell you that she likes Rufus because he is a boy.  I am glad he is not GLORIA.  I say no more.